sometimes there are some weeks which change your life, make you stop doing what u are doing and think..
last two weeks were such weeks for me..
jan 3rd 2005 a morning call from brother in law from India telling me my dad was diagnosed with leukemia on dec 31st 2004 and that he is in hospital..until then I never thought of cancers that much though routinely at work I worked on a lot of cancer drug screens..I was shocked for a couple of hrs trying to read on leukemia, then the next couple of hrs was crying, then as my friends were packing my bags for my india trip the following day I walked around work trying to wind up things like a zombie, lost and tired and did not eat anything as I got on the plane..I kept crying and praying through out my trip..It was gut wrenching, so painful I cannot put it in words..next 10 months I slept in cancer hospitals every day living in the fear of losing my dad, every nite fearing that that will be the last conversation I will have with my dad..
more than all that it was terrible pain to see the man you loved the most in this world suffer , with needles poked in his body all the time it was so painful I could not eat, sleep for the next ten months..And we got him treated at 3 best hospitals in India and nothing was helping him get cured..And me and my sis decided not to tell my dad that he relapsed and told him that he is almost cured. so it was also eight months of hiding this information from my parents, smiling bravely and laughing with him and coming out of his hospital room and crying like hell..I realised it is just so hard to hide the truth, but we did not have courage to tell my optimistic dad that the disease is not going away from him..Doctors told us that my dad will not live for more than 2 weeks and he survived ten months after that because he was in good spirits thinking that he was cured of the disease..it was a miracle he survived that long..
In those ten months too since doctors told us he had 2 weeks to live, he wanted to see my marriage so I got engaged to my dads doctor in US who was an oncologist, who fell in love with me it seems who told me he never saw a girl who is so dedicated to her family and never met anyone as nice as me. I didnot know the man but that moment I was in too much pain of losing my dad , the man I loved the most in my life that I decided to do anything to cheer him up including marrying a stranger..thank God I broke the engagement later as the guys family greedily asked us for dowry and to split property even before my dad passed away which was so uncultured of them..they wanted diamonds and gifts and a jazzy wedding while I was sleeping in hospitals and my dad was dying..I just could not take that anymore and canceled the wedding and Iam so glad in that sadness I was sensible not to marry that man and his family who were so greedy and insensitive...but I did make a mistake of getting engaged which I should not have but I was not in my senses that time and just the fear of losing my dad in two weeks was hitting me so hard that I would do anything to make my dad smile in those 2 weeks..
but in those ten months I and saw so much pain that till today I still have nightmares and I wake up thinking that my dad is bleeding to death and he needs platelets..
since my dad passed away from leukemia and stories of people with leukemia hits me hard and makes me cry...
when I heard about sameer and vinay I thought that they will make it as they are young and not old like my dad..I ran 3 bone marrow drives in indianapolis for them..I was so glad when they found matches..
when sameer passed away I mourned for him though I didnot know him at all for a sad young death..
Last week I learnt from a leukemia blog that another prof. relapsed after bonemarrow transplant..
this week vinay passed away of leukemia..I cried..my hope lost..I just started feeling that may be there is no hope for leukemia patients..I cried for a couple of days..
then It changed my life. I just decided instead of running bone marrow drives, as a scientist why am I not working on leukemia..so I talked to my boss, though right now we have lot of projects in hand , iam trying to see if we can work on leukemia, help develop a high throughput screen for it and help screen thousands of cmpds..who knows may be a cure will come...
I keep thinking of quitting science often as I see myself getting tired and having less and less stamina but then it is people like vinay and sameer who keep inspiring me..there are some weeks which truly change the way you think about life..
I also realise that my dad, sameer, vinay were all overworking individuals and I think sometimes we have no right to overwork and stress our bodies beyond redemption...Life is not all about being very successful or going up the ladder...
may be not postpone other things in life too...marriage , kids, family life etc., life is so full of uncertainities...may be we need to learn lessons from those people and make time for other things in life, slow down, take care of our health and bodies, enjoy little things in life, settle down..
my dads leukemia changed my life..vinay and sameers lives are changing others lives too...
what else..
I spent the week going slogging, working hard as usual on drug screens for various diseases..did go to a baseball game as a part of work team building activity..saturday I volunteered at the temple at the kitchen...went for a picnic for an hour, walked around broad ripple cute shopping area for an hour with a girlfriend talking about obama..came home exhausted , did a couple of cross word puzzles, read a lil bit and crashed..
sunday phone calls to home, then a three hour discussion on hindu philosophy and Gita I want to go this evening ( yap Iam trying to get into some spirituality these days)..then laundry , chores, cooking to do..
weekend is gone...
books Iam reading right now..same as last time..
punjabi century, audacity of hope, revolutionary wealth, my revolutions..
movies I saw
mangal pandey (aamir khan 1850s movie very interesting)
music I listened to
talaash songs, phir bhi dil hi hindustani movie songs
good food I ate
punjabi khana, south indian food.
news that interested me
obama hillary make up...a new cure for migraines with a instrument that desparks the brain electric impulses...a new invention that lets u device ur own cloud..no Iam not kidding about this one..it is in yahoo headlines today..
week looks hectic too..but glad it is a long weekend..
After two sad weeks Iam looking forward to some much needed good news..some optimistic news hopefully..
